Aight, mah peeps! Now how you durwin? Been a long time coming, aint it. Thought I vanished in the twilight complete with some cheap ass beer and some burnt up cigars, didntcha?!
Well, hold yer non elastic having granny panties and Superman tighty whities and don’t get em all TWISTED. I’s a bees here! I’s aint GONE no where. Just been busy. Just been laying low. Shit, who the heck am I kidding….a chick been working her ass off and the 9-5 is straight kicking my ever so gorgeous ass.
So, being that the local teens have decided to have a party in the parking lot, complete with shirts being off (What’s up with dudes with BIRD chests wearing no shirt???!! Is that SPOSED to IMPRESS ME???) girls hanging on rails with their extra skin tight, yeast infection causing jeans on and the local neighboring psycho who has a “No Smoking, Oxygen In Use” sign in his window, who occasionally comes out to yell complete GIBBERISH at their asses (by the way, why the hell I aint seen no oxygen tank, mister lonely dude who lives by himself with that crazy ass sign you stole from the hospital? Hmmmmm??) while they IGNORE your crazy ass and continue to DRY HUMP each other, smoke some SHIT that smells STRANGE as HELL (but for the life of me, I can’t place–SERIOUSLY!) and drop their pants and laugh at each other’s boxer shorts. Seriously, I can’t make this shit up. Move on in the ghetto and ye shall witness the tragedy that is our youth.
No wonder gas priced going up. I blame it all on the YOUNGUNS!!
Wait a minute…ya’ll got a chick seriously going off on a tangent. (Btw, what the hell is a TANGENT? I flunked algebra. Whuh? Aint algebra, well, hell. I flunked Math. Ok, not really, but I still don’t know what a tangent is. But is sounded like a smart and intellectual thing to say.) What was the purpose of this seemingly LONG ass post?
Right.
Yeah.
Flashback Sunday FOlks!!!
That’s right.
Here is an post I made sometime back in the day. So peep this shizzz and have a good day. Or night. Or afternoon depending on where your ass is right now. Peep it. Read it. Whuh-evah.
Just another week…
Date: Wednesday, 16 May 2007 03:35
First..I must give props to Strangely…dude, thanks for the gift that is the ENTIRE COLLECTION of the CULT abandonware CLASSIC that is the gaming sensation KING’s QUEST!!!! LOVE IT!! I remember being a kid, typing in dos commands on the Tandy trying to garner myself some yummy yummy goodness that was King’s Quest. Much love dude.
So Mother’s Day was a hit. A glorious dinner of roast, potatoes, greens, cornbread and these miniature baby peas.
Never mind the roast was about the size of my fist and not enough to feed the 8 folks who would be dining off of it…seems my buddy Strangely misunderstood and didn’t insert common sense. But we won’t hold him to that…nor will we hold against him the extra dry cornbread…I mean, it was aged like wine…extra dry and oh so yum. *cough* Its the thought that counts. I mean, who minds a little dried out, chewing-consistency-of-wood roast, which was overcooked because, heck, me and the moms just HAD to take our asses out shopping for some FAB mother’s day gear and stayed a tad bit TOO LONG hanging out and drooling over SHOES at the local ever so HIP Payless Shoe store….so not our fault! The oven should have KNOWN better I tell YOU!! Where’s automatic shut off when you need it. Shit.
Anywoo..my sister got me a wondrous fabulous book by Martha Stewart. PUH-lease don’t force me to tell you the name of that shit…just know it was a book on success. I told my sis thanks and next time, try not to get me a self help book written by an ex con. Something about that shit just don’t feel right. Ya know…its like taking stock tips….heyyyyy, wait a minute!
The same pal that graced the fam with a doll house sized roast also blessed me with an ever so wondrous goodie bag…complete with candy (cuz ya’ll know a chick needs her CHOCOLATE), some pens (because hell, who can keep up with those things–the bitches always be getting lost), cigarette lighters because well, mine are always getting JACKED! Leave my lighters ALONE!! Steal someone else’s, puhlease! Friggin’ theives! I also got some incense, bodywash–a HINT?? I don’t know…dude are you trying to tell me I stink and need to get my ass in the TUB and cover myself with the scent of raspberries and aloe?????HUH? HUH? Cuz iffin you are, expect a beat down…soon.
It was all good…I loved every minute of it.
To the chick in Wal Mart who wanted to talk shit saying my shrimpzes (yeah, SHRIMPZES, peeps-RECOGNIZE!!) stank—take a long swift KICK to the HEAD! They do NOT stink! They smell of yummy CREOLE BURNT GOODNESS that you shall NEVER be able to APPRECIATE! Here’s to thrusting that steaming hot pile of shrimp RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE just to piss you off! Bitch.
To the ever rising GAS PRICES–I am soooo glad I don’t have a car, because I would be forced to give in and buy that shit! I hate you, gas prices, I really do! Here’s to hoping gas prices (Jinxi–here we go girl!!) catch the burning gonnerhea(how you spell that shit, huh?) and die a slow and painful death COMPLETE with the DRIP! Ya’ll remember when gas was 97 cents?????? Those were the days.
To my kids for breaking not one but TWO of my mom’s patio windows while throwing a football AT THE HOUS E, you owe me $15.34!! I will be collecting that shit when you turn the legal WORKING AGE!! I was so planning on hopping my ass on over to the sale at PAYLESS and garnering my ass a pair cool ass flip flops!!
To the Mama Cat who somehow managed to sneak her ASS up into a broken panel on the patio roof and store her THREE KITTENS in there only to leave their asses so that one falls and near bout breaks his neck–you suck! You run your little orange ass all across the neighborhood and steal scraps and then forget about your babies!! How dare you Mama Cat!? How dare you!? I so took your babies after you didn’t come back and sent them to foster care! They were so cute too! Don’t let me run up on you, Mama Cat, we liable to have a showdown!!
To the dude who came over with one of my friends who thought a chick didn’t know he was SNAPPING his ass off with his camera phone!! I SAW YOU DUDE!!! Let me catch one of my pics on “DIALADATE.COM” and I will SOOOO HUNT YOU DOWN AND STUFF YOUR MOUTH WITH SOME OF MY STINKING CREOLE SHRIMPZES!! Luck be a lady, cuz I was ten seconds away from going all MATRIX on your ASS!!
To the DIALUP companies…KILL THIS ALREADY!! Come on! Please…you have me on bended knees, doing some medieval begging and all that…just kill dial up! That way mom’s will have no choice but to upgrade.
And to the little mouse who I saw run across the floor…your days are numbered…literally. I am so out to get you.